United Parenting shares – Is Your Partner a Narcissist? by Karyl McBride

Here Are 50 Ways to Tell.

An expert’s checklist for gauging where you stand.

Post published by Karyl McBride Ph.D. on Dec 30, 2014 in The Legacy of Distorted Love

The label narcissist is used loosely these days, typically to indicate anyone who is vain and selfish, but the true personality disorder and its traits run much deeper, and carry long-term debilitating effects for those involved with such people. If you were raised by a narcissistic parent or are in a relationship with a narcissist, you will likely feel more like an object to be used and manipulated to meet the narcissistic partner’s goals or needs. You eventually realize your partner does not see the real you. It is a heart-breaking discovery to realize you have been conned or duped by someone you trusted and loved.

Below I’m offering you a checklist to determine if your relationship carries these devastating traits. Remember: Narcissism is a spectrum disorder; someone with a high level or number of these traits can be a more damaging influence on you, and your children. The more traits, the closer to a full-blown personality disorder.

This checklist is copyrighted and comes directly from my new book to be released on February 10, 2015: Will I Ever Be Free of You? How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist, and Heal Your Family. 

Is Your Partner a Narcissist? Checklist 

1. When something goes wrong, does your partner blame everyone but himself or herself?
2. Does your partner refuse to be accountable for his or her bad behavior? (For example, “You made me so mad that I couldn’t help . . .”)
3. Does your partner believe he or she is always right?
4. Is your partner unable to tune in to your feelings or your children’s feelings?
5. Does your partner seem more concerned about how your behavior or your children’s behavior reflects on him or her than on understanding and accepting who you and the kids are as people?
6. Does your partner seem to be out of touch with his or her own feelings or seem to deny them?
7. Does your partner carry grudges against you and others?
8. Is it all about your partner and his/her money, time, parenting time, property, and wishes/demands?
9. Does your partner seem unwilling to listen to you and to hear your concerns?
10. Is your partner constantly telling you what to do?
11. Does your partner make you feel “not good enough”? Have your partner’s constant put-downs caused you to internalize this message?
12. Does your partner never ask about you, your day, or your feelings, even in passing?
13. Does your partner need to go on and on about how great he or she is and how pathetic you are?
14. Does your partner lie?
15. Does your partner manipulate?
16. Does your partner tell different people different stories about the same event, spinning the story so that he or she looks good?
17. When your partner talks about his or her kids, is it about what the kids do rather than who they are?
18. Are the children uncomfortable with your partner, love your partner, but at the same time are reluctant to spend time with him or her?
19. Have you come to realize that the kids protect themselves by not sharing their feelings with your partner?
20. Does your partner mistrust everyone?
21. Are the kids always trying to gain your partner’s love and approval?
22. Has your partner spent minimal time with the children?
23. Does your partner typically skip the children’s events if he or she does not have an interest in that particular activity or does not value it?
24. Does your partner push the children to be involved in activities that your partner likes or values and discourage or forbid them from pursuing activities that your partner does not value?
25. Have others in your life said that something is different or strange about your partner?
26. Does your partner take advantage of other people?
27. Is your partner all about power and control, pursuing power at all costs?
28. Is your partner all about image and how things look to others?
29. Does your partner seem to have no value system, no fixed idea of right and wrong for his or her behavior?
30. After the divorce, does your partner still want to exploit you? Or has your partner never calmed down?
31. When you try to discuss your life issues with your partner, does your partner change the subject so that you end up talking about your partner’s issues?
32. When you describe your feelings, does your partner try to top your feelings with his or her own stories?
33. Does your partner act jealous of you?
34. Does your partner lack empathy?
35. Does your partner only support things that reflect well on him or her?
36. Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your partner?
37. Have you consistently questioned if your partner loves you?
38. Does your partner do considerate things for you only when others are around to witness that good behavior?
39. When something difficult happens in your life (for instance, an accident, illness, a divorce in your family or circle of friends), does your partner react with immediate concern about how it will affect him or her rather than with concern for you?
40. Is your partner overly conscious of what others think?
41. Do you feel used by your partner?
42. Do you feel responsible for your partner’s ailments or sicknesses?
43. Do you feel that your partner does not accept you?
44. Is your partner critical and judgmental of you and others?
45. Do you feel that your partner does not know and value the real you and does not want to know the real you?
46. Does your partner act as if the world should revolve around him or her?
47. Does your partner appear phony to you?
48. Does your partner swing from grandiosity to a depressed mood?
49. Does your partner try to compete with you?
50. Does your partner always have to have things his or her way?

As one of my clients commented, “If you have ever awakened at 3 a.m. with heart pounding and a vivid certainty that you must end the relationship with the person sleeping next to you, but the next day continued on as if such middle-of-the-night thoughts were just a bad dream, then you may need some help with the struggle of what to do next. The surreal Alice in Wonderland quality of living with a narcissist is not something we are born knowing how to deal with or even understand.”

Of course, there is hope and healing and if you determine you are struggling with an emotionally abusive relationship I encourage you to reach out, get help, and learn as much as you can about this insidious disorder. You deserve to be loved and cherished, as do your children.

Will I Ever Be Free of You? How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist, and Heal Your Family. New Book Release: February 10, 2015. Atria Books

United Parenting – sharing my own story of recovery

I’ve been away from blogging for a while as I needed to concentrate on looking after myself. I was knocked off balance by life events outside of my control last autumn and it’s taken a massive effort for me to bounce back. However, my mojo has returned, I have set new goals in motion and I’m ready to face the world again.
I’ve only just had the courage to watch myself in action and I’m so proud of myself that I’m going to be brave and share my story with you xx‪‪‬ ‪‬ ‪#‎therapy‬

United Parenting writes about “Who’s yer one?”

 

This is a transcript of the presentation that I gave recently at the Parenting 2.0 Conference in Dublin. It’s my story (well, a little of it as I only had 10 minutes to share it!) My mantra when I wrote it was ‘name it and claim it!’ because I believe that if I cannot have the courage to be vulnerable and name my experiences then I’ve no business asking a client to do so in a session with me.

 

 

There’s a saying here in Ireland: Who’s yer one? It means’ who do you think you are to tell me what to do?!’ Well, my name is Niki Williams. I’m a Psychiatric Nurse, Counsellor, Parent Mentor and Trauma Therapist by training. However my main qualification is what I’ve learned through personal experience as a survivor and a divorced mother of three.
My parents separated, my father moved abroad, and I was raised from the age of three by a single mum for nine years. We lived in a council house on welfare benefits. I remember life as simple and carefree. Then my mum got married to a man whom she really didn’t know. I believe she was in love with the idea of being ‘a proper family’ and she fell for his potential rather than his reality.
He was a very sick man. He was a whisky drinking alcoholic who made irresponsible financial decisions. My mother went to work to feed us. He systematically sexually abused and raped me. My mother was too terrified and ashamed to leave him. All this had a hugely damaging effect on our family relationships.
Consequently I was left with a legacy of shame. I felt like it was my fault, there was something bad in me and if people actually knew me they wouldn’t like me.

 

More positively it gave me a thirst for learning. I had a God given unshakable belief that there were better things out there for me. I wanted to learn how to do things differently. I needed practical, workable alternatives. I became a self-help book junkie!
After some chaotic years of living independently; learning the hard way that hurt people hurt people, I found a man who was willing to marry me. Having read an abundance of literature about relationships, healing and creating a better life; I’d engaged in therapy and felt ready to create my own family. I was clear with him that divorce was not an option for me. In fact, what I told him was “I‘ll kill you before I divorce you so you better be sure this is what you want!”

You can imagine my devastation when five years into forever I discovered my husband’s affair with a married friend. All the things I believed would protect me from this had failed. The bottom fell out of my world.
We had two children at this stage. My daughter was three. When I looked into her eyes I was unable to separate her pain from my own at losing a father. I had long ago vowed that my children would grow up with a mum and dad who loved each other and stayed together. So we reconciled. We honestly tried, we even had another child, but the trust was gone.
By the time we agreed to go our separate ways and I relocated from England to Ireland, two out of three of our children were acting out with daily antisocial behaviours. Because I had worked so much on myself I understood the process. They were drawing attention to what needed to be resolved. I sought help for them. I researched and tried every solution I could come up with and yet, the behaviours continued.
Only now I faced it as a single parent, where I knew no-one and had no support network. On the outside I appeared bravely confident, relying on my old survival skills. On the inside I felt isolated, ashamed, angry and guilty. There were days when I lost sight of anything positive. I woke in the morning thinking “This is not my life”, feeling “I just can’t do this anymore”, before dragging myself out of bed to do what had to be done. I was living a life of quiet desperation.

 

 

However, just as in my childhood, my spirit kept telling me there were better things ahead and I could not give up hope. I read about Dr Tony Humphreys, an Irish psychologist and author who seemed to speak my language about raising children with healthy self-esteem. I thought to myself “This is it. If he can’t help me no-one can!” Whilst at U.C.C. for a year. I grew and matured, as a person and a parent.
I learnt, among many other things, the simple yet profound truth that I want to share with you today.
I call it the 100% rule. It goes like this…

Everything that someone else says or does is 100% about them.
Everything I say and do is 100% about me.

Think about that for a moment.

Everything that someone else says or does is 100% about them.
Everything I say and do is 100% about me.

It’s about personal accountability. It was a revelation to me, taking complete responsibility for one’s own actions. Something my parents had not learned and so were unable to teach me. By applying this rule I was able to stop personalising other people’s behaviour. It’s what finally moved me out of a victim mentality where I felt powerless over my life.

For example; my children were not punishing me for being a bad mother. They were telling me the only way they knew how that life was difficult and painful for them too.
My husband didn’t leave because I failed as a wife. He left because he chose to solve his problems that way. He could have chosen differently. I couldn’t have forced him to leave any more than I could make him stay. The only person I can control is myself.
How other people act usually has very little to do with me and more to do with what’s going on inside of them. Fear, anger, hurt, frustration, disappointment, illness, you just don’t know what battles someone else may be fighting in their lives and projecting onto you.

With the compassionate, non judging mentorship I received I learnt how to hold, not control, my children’s pain over the loss of their Dad, or their upset at witnessing my grief. I chose to forgive myself rather than beat myself up. Acknowledging my pain I began taking better care of my own needs and reached out for support to people who were actually able to offer it. I learnt how to parent myself with the same loving compassion that I was endeavouring to parent my children.

 

Having read so often about loving myself now I was actually doing it. By recognising and honouring my needs, valuing my thoughts and expressing my feelings as being equally as valid as everyone else’s I moved from head knowledge to a heartfelt understanding. It’s not what you have that makes you a good parent, it’s who you are. Love is what my children will remember. I believe that because a lack of love is what I remember. After this shift from within, I moved on with renewed hope.

I felt empowered to act for myself rather than against another. It’s called setting healthy boundaries which I had struggled with for such a long time. I found my voice and used it to communicate honestly and assertively, especially with my children. No means no because my rules are fair and are there to keep you safe.

It became ok to be vulnerable with them, to respond to their anger or tears with “I understand you feel angry” “It’s ok to be sad” and “I know I miss Daddy too.” I could admit to them “I’m really sorry I shouted, I’m having a tough day and that’s not your fault.” Children are naturally very forgiving.
Seeing my ex-husband through my children’s eyes was a huge step of emotional separation. It was more important to me for him to be their Dad than to punish him for hurting me. I was willing to forgive him and healing followed.
I discovered that I was actually unconditionally loving my children, cultivating a close, affectionate relationship with each of them, despite the difficult behaviours. I feel so passionately about sharing this learning with other parents that I founded United Parenting – Putting Children First. Sometimes getting help doesn’t mean solving the problems. It can mean maintaining a loving relationship even in the face of those problems.

With a house of teenagers now it’s a bumpy road that we’re travelling together. As we know better we do better. So can you. I trust that sharing my story will inspire you to share your story with me. Thank you for listening.

United Parenting writes about fear.

With the best of intentions to write on a regular basis I have in reality been sharing other peoples great blogs rather than creating my own. As a single mother of three terrific and time consuming children I find I am so busy juggling the balls of finances, household chores, garden and car maintenance, taxi service, social secretary, volunteer, mature student, loyal friend and dog walker that I rarely get a chance to commit my thoughts to paper (or word processor).

I am a deep thinker and an action taker which makes for a busy brain and an even busier life. Last week it all caught up with me in a way that has left me feeling vulnerable, raw and having to reach out for help and support. This does not come easy to me as I’m fiercely independent and experience others as often being unreliable or unavailable. Rather than risk being let down I ‘just get on with it’ by myself.

Whilst driving home from my first evening of class at University I had what I now realise was a full blown panic attack. It was triggered by an accumulation of fear over the preceding couple of weeks. It began with me allowing myself to “feel the fear and do it anyway” but instead of simply having a few tears and moving through the fear as I usually would it became overwhelming. I lost control of myself which was incredibly frightening for me.

I kept telling myself to breathe yet my body was so tight I couldn’t get my breath into my belly and I began to hyperventilate. I felt pins and needles in my hands and feet, it was terrifying! I couldn’t stop the car because I was too scared that I would then be stranded on a dark country road in the middle of nowhere. My only thought was to get somewhere safe – home.

I kept talking out loud to myself, saying “You’re ok, stay calm, stay in your body, focus on the road, you’re going to be ok, you’re safe, it’s ok” over and over and over again, until I reached my driveway. When I stopped the car I couldn’t move my body. It was like I was pinned to the seat. I phoned a friend and blurted out tearfully “I’m not ok, please come and get me.” They did, the panic subsided and I came back to myself.

The experience has left me physically shaken and emotionally wobbly. Taking daily small steps I am pushing through the desire to give in to the hopelessness and fear by loving myself. I get up each morning and tell myself that each day is a fresh start. I put on clothes that make me feel good about myself and smile into the mirror. I forgive myself for not being perfect and embrace my humanness. I hug and kiss my children, tell them I love them and smile at them. My heart fills with gratitude for their warmth and company. I list today the things that I CAN do. When I have done all that is within my own power, I talk with a friend and share a little of my vulnerability with them.

Each day that I have done this I feel a little better, a small bit stronger and more able to face the world head on. The more compassion I demonstrate towards myself and my own vulnerability the more I am able to offer others the safety to also be fully themselves in my company.

What amazing learning!

United Parenting shares Marlaine Cover P.20 Talks Dublin blog

The Flow of P20

January 31, 2014 · by Mama Marlaine · in Blog, P20 Talks

When the stream began trickling for P20 Talks 2012 – the world’s first professional conference for Life Skills Educators – it was several months before our line up of Thought Leaders from multiple continents was confirmed. After announcing plans for P20 Talks 2014 earlier this month, presenter slots were filled within days. Why the change? Simple logic would credit the world class charm of our location – Dublin – and the prior success of P20 Talks 2012 in San Diego, California. Or the more than 100 Parenting 2.0 members stepping up to serve as Global Presence Ambassadors in 2013 and the book about our advocacy “Kissing the Mirror” becoming an amazon bestseller. Indeed, P20 professionals alternately cited all of these as factors when signing on. But the most common reason people credited is logic not easily described. And truth be told I attempted writing about something entirely different this month to avoid the challenge…..

You can be courageous or you can be comfortable but you cannot be both. Brene Brown

Well… “To hell with comfort” once again.. Nearly every professional volunteering as a Thought Leader at P20 Talks 2014 – as well as those that served as Thought Leaders at P20 Talks 2012 – privately confided to me that they’d felt drawn recently to do “something” more. Not in an ego-based, agenda-driven way, just the opposite. Something simply larger than themselves, something undescribable was calling. One woman said she quite literally felt “pulled,” another described the sensation as “someone pushing her back..” I get it. I feel the same…….sucked in by something larger than me, something that would be as difficult to resist as breathing…. Something I have come to call the “The Flow of P20.” The Flow of P20 has a power of its own, an energy greater than the sum of its parts. While some credit me for initiating it – due to my role as founder  – the truth is I am just the same as everyone else, one trickle absorbed and moved along by a larger, loving river of consciousness. The good news is that when we succumb, when we relinquish the need to take charge and direct, life begins to flow in and support us with equal ease – connections that somehow previously eluded us become everyday occurrences. Long-time host of “Full Power Living,” Ilene Dillon, spoke to the dynamic when she publicly confided the following after signing on for P20 Talks 2014,  “I’ve recently been making friends in Ireland – never before happened in 70 years!” So this is the greater logic, uncommonly explored or acknowledged while it may presently be: When human beings step out selflessly in service to their fellow man, life miraculously steps in to support them in equal measure. Thank you Parenting 2.0 for this phenomenal education! Editor’s note: P20 Talks 2014 will be held in Dublin, Ireland Sept 14th-16th. Early registration begins May 1st. Discounted hotel rates will accompany early registration

Check out the P2.0 discussion group on LinkedIn

Find us on Facebook and Twitter

Come to Dublin on 15th/16th September and share the love of Life Skills Education.

Be the change you want to see!!

United Parenting invites professionals to Dublin Conference in September

http://parenting2pt0.org/the-global-presence/the-global-presence-ambassadors/

Follow this link to find out more about how to join the global thought leaders and ambassadors for life skills education for our future generations.

http://parenting2pt0.org/p20talks-registration-2014/

Follow this link to join me and many other parenting professionals from all over the globe as we network with each other and spread the word to Ireland about life skills education for our children. It’s the biggest parenting group on LinkedIn and I’m so excited to have been invited to speak at this unique event.

 

Brené Brown: Listening to shame | Talk Video | TED.com

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame

Shame is an unspoken epidemic, the secret behind many forms of broken behavior. Brené Brown, whose earlier talk on vulnerability became a viral hit, explores what can happen when people confront their shame head-on. Her own humor, humanity and vulnerability shine through every word.

 

 

Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability | Talk Video | TED.com

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

 

Brené Brown studies human connection — our ability to empathize, belong, love. In a poignant, funny talk, she shares a deep insight from her research, one that sent her on a personal quest to know herself as well as to understand humanity. A talk to share. (Filmed at TEDxHouston.)

United parenting shares – The Underwear Rule by NSPCC

We are all concerned about protecting our children from the dangers of abuse and yet we find it frightening to talk with our children about this all too common experience. We don’t know where to start, what to say, what words to use and we also fear scaring our children. It’s a very difficult and emotive subject and I believe that knowledge is power. We need to equip our children with the ability to protect themselves and the confidence to tell us if something happens to them that they do not feel good about. Breaking the silence surrounding childhood abuse is so much harder when we’ve kept the secret for many years. Prevention is always preferable to recovery.

This latest campaign by NSPCC is brilliantly simple and will enable parents to open up these conversations with their children whenever it feels appropriate. I would encourage you to download the material and share it with your friends.

http://www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/for-parents/keeping-your-child-safe/the-underwear-rule/the-underwear-rule_wda97016.html

Teach your child the Underwear Rule and help protect them from abuse

The Underwear Rule is a simple way that parents can help keep children safe from abuse – without using scary words or mentioning sex.

We’ve developed a simple guide for parents, and a child-friendly version, to help you talk PANTS with your child.

Talk PANTS and you’ve got the Underwear Rule covered

PANTS is an easy way for you to explain to your child the key elements of the Underwear Rule:

Privates are private

Be clear with your child that the parts of their body covered by underwear are private.

Explain to your child that no one should ask to see or touch their private parts or ask them to look at or touch anyone else’s.

Sometimes doctors, nurses or family members might have to. Explain that this is OK, but that those people should always explain why, and ask your child if it’s OK first.

Always remember your body belongs to you

Let your child know their body belongs to them, and no one else.

No one has the right to make them do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable. And if anyone tries, tell your child they have the right to say no.

Remind your child that they can always talk to you about anything which worries or upsets them.

No means no

Make sure your child understands that they have the right to say “no” to unwanted touch – even to a family member or someone they know or love.

This shows that they’re in control of their body and their feelings should be respected.

If a child feels confident to say no to their own family, they are more likely to say no to others.

Talk about secrets that upset you

Explain the differences between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ secrets.

Phrases like “it’s our little secret” are an abuser’s way of making a child feel worried, or scared to tell someone what is happening to them.

• Good secrets can be things like surprise parties or presents for other people.
• Bad secrets make you feel sad, worried or frightened.

Your child needs to feel able to speak up about secrets that worry them and confident that saying something won’t get them into trouble.

Telling a secret will never hurt or worry anybody in your family or someone you know and love.

Speak up, someone can help

Tell your child that if they ever feel sad, anxious or frightened they should talk to an adult they trust.

This doesn’t have to be a family member. It can also be a teacher or a friend’s parent – or even ChildLine.

Remind them that whatever the problem, it’s not their fault and they will never get into trouble for speaking up.

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Download your guide to the Underwear Rule

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Talking tips for the Underwear Rule

You don’t have to go through each of the elements of the Underwear Rule all at once. It’s much better to keep the conversations small and often as the subject comes up.

Read our Underwear Rule talking tips

Our advice on how find the right words and right moments that can make talking to your child easier.

Parents recommend the Underwear Rule

The Underwear Rule is helping parents feel more confident and better prepared in talking to their children about keeping safe from abuse.

Your questions answered

We have answered some of the questions you may have about teaching your child the Underwear Rule.

Are you a child?

Do you need to talk? Call ChildLine on 0800 1111 or visit us online.

Worried about a child?

Don’t wait until you’re certain. Contact our trained helpline counsellors for 24/7 help, advice and support.

Help for children & young people ChildLine 0800 1111

Help for adults concerned about a child Help and advice 0808 800 5000

Copyright © 2014 NSPCC – All rights reserved. National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children,     Weston House, 42 Curtain Road, London EC2A 3NH. Incorporated by Royal Charter.     Registered charity number 216401. NSPCC, charity registered in Scotland, charity number SC037717.

Depression is a friend, not my enemy – Independent.ie

http://www.independent.ie/blog/depression-is-a-friend-not-my-enemy-29707558.html

Powerful testimony of experiencing depression, please read and share x