United Parenting shares – Is Your Partner a Narcissist? by Karyl McBride

Here Are 50 Ways to Tell.

An expert’s checklist for gauging where you stand.
Post published by Karyl McBride Ph.D. on Dec 30, 2014 in The Legacy of Distorted Love

The label narcissist is used loosely these days, typically to indicate anyone who is vain and selfish, but the true personality disorder and its traits run much deeper, and carry long-term debilitating effects for those involved with such people. If you were raised by a narcissistic parent or are in a relationship with a narcissist, you will likely feel more like an object to be used and manipulated to meet the narcissistic partner’s goals or needs. You eventually realize your partner does not see the real you. It is a heart-breaking discovery to realize you have been conned or duped by someone you trusted and loved.

Below I’m offering you a checklist to determine if your relationship carries these devastating traits. Remember: Narcissism is a spectrum disorder; someone with a high level or number of these traits can be a more damaging influence on you, and your children. The more traits, the closer to a full-blown personality disorder.

This checklist is copyrighted and comes directly from my new book to be released on February 10, 2015: Will I Ever Be Free of You? How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist, and Heal Your Family. 

Is Your Partner a Narcissist? Checklist 

  1. When something goes wrong, does your partner blame everyone but himself or herself?
  2. Does your partner refuse to be accountable for his or her bad behavior? (For example, “You made me so mad that I couldn’t help . . .”)
  3. Does your partner believe he or she is always right?
  4. Is your partner unable to tune in to your feelings or your children’s feelings?
  5. Does your partner seem more concerned about how your behavior or your children’s behavior reflects on him or her than on understanding and accepting who you and the kids are as people?
  6. Does your partner seem to be out of touch with his or her own feelings or seem to deny them?
  7. Does your partner carry grudges against you and others?
  8. Is it all about your partner and his/her money, time, parenting time, property, and wishes/demands?
  9. Does your partner seem unwilling to listen to you and to hear your concerns?
  10. Is your partner constantly telling you what to do?
  11. Does your partner make you feel “not good enough”? Have your partner’s constant put-downs caused you to internalize this message?
  12. Does your partner never ask about you, your day, or your feelings, even in passing?
  13. Does your partner need to go on and on about how great he or she is and how pathetic you are?
  14. Does your partner lie?
  15. Does your partner manipulate?
  16. Does your partner tell different people different stories about the same event, spinning the story so that he or she looks good?
  17. When your partner talks about his or her kids, is it about what the kids do rather than who they are?
  18. Are the children uncomfortable with your partner, love your partner, but at the same time are reluctant to spend time with him or her?
  19. Have you come to realize that the kids protect themselves by not sharing their feelings with your partner?
  20. Does your partner mistrust everyone?
  21. Are the kids always trying to gain your partner’s love and approval?
  22. Has your partner spent minimal time with the children?
  23. Does your partner typically skip the children’s events if he or she does not have an interest in that particular activity or does not value it?
  24. Does your partner push the children to be involved in activities that your partner likes or values and discourage or forbid them from pursuing activities that your partner does not value?
  25. Have others in your life said that something is different or strange about your partner?
  26. Does your partner take advantage of other people?
  27. Is your partner all about power and control, pursuing power at all costs?
  28. Is your partner all about image and how things look to others?
  29. Does your partner seem to have no value system, no fixed idea of right and wrong for his or her behavior?
  30. After the divorce, does your partner still want to exploit you? Or has your partner never calmed down?
  31. When you try to discuss your life issues with your partner, does your partner change the subject so that you end up talking about your partner’s issues?
  32. When you describe your feelings, does your partner try to top your feelings with his or her own stories?
  33. Does your partner act jealous of you?
  34. Does your partner lack empathy?
  35. Does your partner only support things that reflect well on him or her?
  36. Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your partner?
  37. Have you consistently questioned if your partner loves you?
  38. Does your partner do considerate things for you only when others are around to witness that good behavior?
  39. When something difficult happens in your life (for instance, an accident, illness, a divorce in your family or circle of friends), does your partner react with immediate concern about how it will affect him or her rather than with concern for you?
  40. Is your partner overly conscious of what others think?
  41. Do you feel used by your partner?
  42. Do you feel responsible for your partner’s ailments or sicknesses?
  43. Do you feel that your partner does not accept you?
  44. Is your partner critical and judgmental of you and others?
  45. Do you feel that your partner does not know and value the real you and does not want to know the real you?
  46. Does your partner act as if the world should revolve around him or her?
  47. Does your partner appear phony to you?
  48. Does your partner swing from grandiosity to a depressed mood?
  49. Does your partner try to compete with you?
  50. Does your partner always have to have things his or her way?

As one of my clients commented, “If you have ever awakened at 3 a.m. with heart pounding and a vivid certainty that you must end the relationship with the person sleeping next to you, but the next day continued on as if such middle-of-the-night thoughts were just a bad dream, then you may need some help with the struggle of what to do next. The surreal Alice in Wonderland quality of living with a narcissist is not something we are born knowing how to deal with or even understand.”

Of course, there is hope and healing and if you determine you are struggling with an emotionally abusive relationship I encourage you to reach out, get help, and learn as much as you can about this insidious disorder. You deserve to be loved and cherished, as do your children.

Will I Ever Be Free of You? How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist, and Heal Your Family. New Book Release: February 10, 2015. Atria Books

United Parenting shares – 28 Benefits To Finding a Partner Later In Life.

  1. You’ve had the breakups that led to breakdowns that led to the breakthrough.
  2. You’ve sowed your wild oats — and now think, “Sow what?” All those tempting choices aren’t really so tempting.
  3. You’re healthier and more together — meaning the relationship now has at least a 50 percent chance of being healthier and staying together.
  4. You now wisely know the “ability to compromise” is very, very sexy.
  5. You no longer confuse conflict for passion — and recognize that bumper sticker you’ve read on cars is oh so true: “It’s better to have loved and lost…than to live with a wacko for the rest of your life.” Duh! Instead of choosing a partner who keeps you walking on eggshells — it’s essential to choose someone who’s as comforting as listening to seashells — a partner who keeps you at your calmest and most secure!
  6. You’ve wisely stopped looking for “sex objects” — and started looking for “longterm relationship objects.”  Basically, you now wisely know to seek “long haul qualities” in a partner — rather than “short haul qualities” — because a successful marriage is a long haul marriage.
  7. You now know that just because a person looks good on paper doesn’t mean they’re going to “act good” in real life. Status, wealth, fame and trust funds no longer blindingly seduce you towards a person.
  8. You now know not to become intimately involved with someone who has the following: RED FLASHING WARNING LIGHTS BLINKING BLINDINGLY IN YOUR FACE!
  9. You’re now wisely less “self-centered” about problem-solving — and more “relationship-centered.”
  10. You now know it’s never a checklist of adjectives to look for in a person — but the compatibility of your adjectives with their adjectives. Meaning? The rocks in your head must fit in the holes in the other person’s head.
  11. You now know personality is the tip of the iceberg. But character is the real foundation. While it’s okay not to share all the same interests and hobbies, you must always share the same core character values and ethics!
  12. You now wisely know you’re never going to find perfect, custom-fit love in a world of off-the-rack people. All people will have some flaws and misfittings.
  13. It’s now apparent what was inappropriate behavior in your parents! Meaning? You are now more aware of how not to share your parents’ “Inappropriate Behavior Issues” with your partner!
  14. After having endured a gazillion awful dates, suddenly your fear of working at a relationship is a lot less scary than your fear of more awful dates.
  15. You now know when a relationship is on the road to nowhere — and how to find that exit ramp.
  16. You’re less needy and more want-y. Meaning? You don’t “need” a mate in your life. You want one. And so you are less likely to be unhealthfully co-dependent — and more likely to be healthfully inter-dependent.
  17. You now have work you love — so can put more attention on the work of love.
  18. You now wisely know “communication” is about “listening” — just as much as it’s about talking- – and thereby you now listen with 20/20 hearing.
  19. You now know having a firmer tush won’t snag you a good mate — but having a strong gut and listening to it will!
  20. You now see love as a two-way street — not a rollercoaster ride.
  21. You now know true love requires love of truth. You must share openly and vulnerably with your partner to feel true intimacy and avoid longterm problems. With this in mind, you now also know that if you seek a partner by use gameplaying bait, you will only lure in gameplaying fish. However if you use open/honest communication bait you will lure in open/honest communication fish — the best kind of relationship fish to marry!
  22. You now recognize that you get love in your life by loving your life. Meaning: A man or a woman isn’t meant to be your entire life — they’re meant to enhance the happy life you’ve created for yourself.
  23. You know size does matter. You need a partner with a really big heart. Nice guys and girls don’t finish last — they create relationships that last!
  24. You’ve stopped blaming your past for bad relationships — and started blaming your present. Meaning? You are finally exploring what you’re doing right-here-right-now to bring a relationship down — taking some self-responsibility. You’ve witnessed your “constants” in a variety of relationship settings — and thereby now fully know when you’re the one being the trouble-maker.
  25. Having less time to waste in your life magically increases your intelligence and instincts with people.
  26. You know who you are — so you have a higher percentage probability of finding someone who’s right for you.
  27. You also know who you are not — so you have a higher percentage probability of finding someone who’s NOT right for you.
  28. You now wisely know love is a boomerang. What you have and give away is what you get back.

Written by Karen Salmansohn and posted on her blog on 28/10/14

http://notsalmon.com/2014/10/28/finding-a-partner-later-in-life/

Karen writes articulate and very real pieces about heart-felt issues so please visit her website.