17 Parenting Lessons From ‘Downton Abbey’

Like so much of the nation, we are caught in “Downton Abbey’s” thrall. Sunday evenings have been transformed from the dreaded night when preparation for the following week begins to Downton Night, a blissful evening of mindless, Edwardian fun. But is it mindless? Layered into Julian Fellowes’ crackling dialogue are some of the best parenting lessons of the last 90 years. Looking on from our American 21st-century vantage point we feel that Lord and Lady Grantham and their brood have taught us a few things. [Watch out — spoilers below!]

1. Grandparents have a crucial role to play in any family as dispensers of wisdom and healers of souls. No one can put a situation into perspective better than someone who has seen seven decades pass. In times of pain and panic, it is the Dowager who is needed most.

2. If we do not change with the times and listen to those much younger than ourselves — our children in particular, even when they seem callow and naive — we will soon become obsolete. The world is spinning on and we must listen to the young or risk forever being a prisoner of 1923 or 2013. Even without a sneak peak of Episode Six, it is clear that Robert better start listening to Matthew.

3. We mustn’t wait until caught in the grips of grieving to tell our siblings how much they mean to us. The sibling relationship is life’s longest, and we would be fools take it for granted.

4. A home is truly only a building, even if it is Downton Abbey. Losing it or any other possessions matters little compared to losing those we love. We did not shed a tear when we thought the family would lose their beloved Downton; the same cannot be said of Sybil’s passing.

5. If our child finds true love (or friendship), whether or not the object of that love is someone we would have selected, we must rejoice for them. A seeming gentleman might jilt our daughter at the altar, but a good man will love her until her last breath. One need only look at the sad episode of Edith and Anthony versus the true love shared by Sybil and Tom.

6. Our children need and deserve our understanding and forgiveness — true forgiveness, even when they have done wrong. We love them and that love must transcend their mistakes. Mary’s painful transgression with Kemal Pamuk did not deprive her of her father’s love.

7. Never underestimate the power of a well-chosen few words. Speaking softly but strongly can have amazing results. The Dowager and Dr. Clarkson chose their words judiciously so that even though Cora’s heart was breaking, she was not alone.

8. People can reinvent themselves — just give them a chance to prove that they’ve changed, and avoid being judgmental and closed-minded, as the family was with Ethel.

9. When our deepest gut feeling tells us that there is something wrong with our child, even when experts may not agree, we need to follow our gut. Watching our child for a lifetime, through all of its up and downs, makes us an expert. No one knew Sybil better than her own mother.

10. Turning on those we love at life’s worst moments — although perhaps understandable in our rage — will only magnify our grief. True consolation and understanding come from those we love the most, as Robert and Cora learn.

11. If someone truly cares for us, we should give them the chance to show how much. It is amazing what good things happen when we let love into our lives, as Daisy did with Mr. Mason.

12. When things are difficult, it helps to have someone to talk to honestly. True friendships are one of life’s greatest gifts. We must not keep our problems bottled up inside. Where would Mrs. Hughes be without the loyal Mrs. Patmore?

13. We should teach our children to have faith in the people they love, even at the worst of times, like Anna and Mr. Bates.

14. If we have different rules and standards for our sons and daughters, things will not go well. If Mary could have inherited Downton Abbey, the show might have ended after the first season.

15. We must teach our children to be careful with their trust and alliances. Some who appear to be their friends will betray them. It is hard to know if someone is an O’Brien or a Thomas.

16. The loyalty and love of our children is one of life’s greatest blessings, never to be taken lightly. Mary’s loyalty to her father, when he is right and even when he is wrong, is a source of comfort and strength.

17. We don’t need to like or even approve of everything our children do, but we can still offer encouragement. When our children’s passions emerge and they show real enterprise, they need us as their supporters. It is hard not to imagine that someday Robert will be proud of a daughter who is a successful journalist.

Re-blogged From Huffington Post


United Parenting – Quality time, a language of love.

Quality time – a language of love


Quality time is the giving of our undivided attention. When a child feels loved, their emotional bank account is in credit and they are more likely to co-operative with our parental guidance. For example, 15 minutes at bedtime will help them to settle to sleep.

To a child negative attention is better than no attention hence the constant interruptions when we are on the telephone. Quality time says “You are important. I like being with you.” The focus is not the activity or event but the being together part. Finding time to be alone with each child is not easy, yet it is essential. It’s a sad fact that in many homes children would miss the TV more than their parents.

Making the effort is investing in your child’s future. Time together creates an atmosphere in which you can get to know each other more deeply and become closer. Learning how to communicate on this level will serve them well in their future relationships.

Make a ritual of bedtime stories and family mealtimes with conversation. Resist the pressure of the “shoulds”. Much of what seems so urgent won’t matter in years to come. What you do now with your children will matter forever. You are creating memories that will last a lifetime.

Start small: including your child in daily activities like folding laundry, washing and drying dishes or grocery shopping. It may take longer but it’s more fun with two.

Join in with them watching their favourite TV show, ask them what they like about it. Paint, draw or colour a picture together, then put yours on the wall next to theirs.

Plan a surprise trip; camping, a sports game or shopping. You could visit a toy store to play with cool toys without buying anything. Create family traditions of outings to the park, picnics – outdoors in summer, a rug in the living room in winter, bike rides, eating desserts in restaurants. Take pictures to remember it. Make photo albums in a scrapbook; get them out on a rainy day and share the memories together.

Try making homemade cards for birthdays, Mothers/Fathers Day, Easter etc. Potato printing wrapping paper, making your own decorations or simply colouring a picture to send to an absent friend or relative.

It takes time to develop a new habit so start now.


Adapted from the book “The five love languages of children” by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell.